We’re in the middle of March Break (I think) – or spring break to all my non-native readers. As such, my life as a retail clerk is teetering on the precipice of insanity.
All my most hated retail indiscretions seem to happen with increasing frequency causing (hilarious) bouts of anger.
Top 10 things I wish I could say to customers:
1. Don’t even think of touching that, seriously I’ll cut you.
2. Um, this isn’t your home; it’s a roach/mouse infested mall – shoes are kind of a good idea, don’t you think?
3. There’s a reason they’re called walkways and not ‘stop and stare absentmindedly into space while pondering life-ways’. You want to enjoy the scenery, that’s fine, just do it on your own time, not mine.
4. No, I’m not going to tell you where else you can find that product/brand. If you’re that much of a comparison shopper, you’d think you would have done your homework, huh?
5. This isn’t a Petro-Canada, you can’t just serve yourself. Just because there’s stuff everywhere doesn’t mean that you can just dig through boxes willy-nilly (see no. 1) or grab the pole (for grabbing clothes that are high up)
6. Don’t gush about how much you love a certain company, and then pronounce it’s name wrong
7. Don’t complain to me that we don’t have your size in something, because I don’t really care. If you would just shut up for a second I would explain to you that I can call one of our other stores and see if they still have it
8. Don’t play coy with me, if I ask you what size you need – just spill already. I’ve probably already got a size in mind but I’m just holding off to see if your (possibly dismorphic) reality meshes with mine
9. Don’t loudly exclaim that girl’s [skate] shoes are way better than guys’, or vice versa. There’s really no point in engaging me in that argument – no matter which side you take I’ll still win, I’m what you call a sneaker fiend.
10. Don’t window shop on a Saturday, for the love of God. That’s what the internet is for. Either that or save it until after 6, when the mall dies down because people think we’re closed.