1. Cell phone charms – I seriously can’t get enough of these.
2. The Engineer to Team Gingerbread – “make up your fucking mind!” but like he said it way nicer and stuff, sorta
3. Yay! One semester down, one to go before I graduate – holla!
4. “You know how I know? Because I’m an anthropologist” is my new favourite line, so just deal with it.
5. The Pansy + The Gentle Giant? Only time will tell, but the suspense is killing me…
6. “FYI: That makes you look like a gay pornstar”
7. P.S. is the new black, as is FYI. I use them with reckless abandon and you should too.
8. Tis the season for holiday-themed work parties – “let’s get crunk!”
9. I hate wind chimes, mostly because they always seem to go off when you’re at your angriest, true story.
10. “Oh, you’re tired? Well maybe if you spent more time on your back actually sleeping…” – ooh, burn!
11. “Yo Where Did You End Up At Last Night?”
12. Boys like The Pansy’s sweater a little too much when I’m wearing it
13. “You can’t borrow the shirt, it would be tit central. Sorry. My boobs are popping out there’s just no way…”
“Um, your boobs are basically the same size as mine!”
“No, it’s the sweater”
“What size are your boobs?”
“I don’t feel comfortable with this line of questioning”
“Besides the shirt is dirty, as in ‘can’t lend it to a friend’ dirty – it’s still on The Engineer’s floor”
“Oh, never mind then I don’t even want to know!”
14. “Rough potatoes!” and “Hello, hello” but said like a British drag queen – so funny!
15. Bwaha! I shouldn’t feel good about this but I do!
16. On the third day of Hanukkah my wallet was stolen, super! – Now I don’t have to worry about what I’m doing for New Year’s because I won’t be able to get in anywhere without ID.
17. One of the other managers on The Pansy’s décolletage: “Where did this come from? (motioning with her hands) You should be on a pole, you’d probably make more money than you do at [our place of employment]. Seriously, where have you been hiding those?
18. The Pansy has always complained about her online moniker and I’ve since offered to change it to The Pole Dancer, but no dice.
19. Keys – uh…erm no thanks!
20. It’s not whoring if you do it for free
21. It’s also not lurking if it’s commissioned work…
22. On fitted hats (aka. The New Era)
“The sticker is still on so people know I paid $45 for this hat!”
“I don’t pay $45 dollars for a hat hat to have to take it off, even for sex.”
“Can I wear the hat?”
23. Ok, well maybe your boobs are bigger… (victory is mine)
24. I don’t talk to you like that! No but I wish you would
25. We’re totally dunzo, like, for real this time (mhmm, right)
26. I smell classy now, that’s what $122 perfume will do for ya. I’m temporarily on hiatus from smelling like Givenchy (Hot Couture has been appropriated by far too many hoochies for my liking).
I spit hot fire (aka. Quotes)
“You’re not gonna finish it?! Do you only give people half a hand job too?”
“I’m not going to hit you with the shoe boxes… if I were going to hit you it would be with my open fist!”
“Whatever, cougar bait”
“You guys look like straight up vixens!”
“Ok, lovebirds, break it up. No, you weren’t working you were lurking; there’s a difference.”
- web junk human transformer – (smiles and nods)
- white trash parents – probably don’t have the internet because they spend their money on luxurious dinners at Boston Pizza and the money they save on contraception goes directly into the beer fund
- alcohol hangover latte – No, no, no! I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, gatorade and McDonald’s breakfast!
- Boy refuses to ride in car with intoxicated mother – I was going to say “Well at least she cares enough when she’s drunk to make sure you get where you need to go on time even when she’s drunk” but driving drunk is no laughing matter
- justin timberlake doing the big gingerbread dance – I’m sure it’s both festive and beautifully choreographed
- reasons for the crackling sound in the ear – your pillow is on fire?
- makeout directions – if you have to google it, your first step should probably be to get her drunk, either that or retrieve your balls from their perch on the mantle
- 2 person drinking games – see: makeout directions