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Functional Alcoholism, Hangover City USA, Holidays

Best. Weekend. Ever.

The Players: Gingerbread, The Christitute, Ah-bby, and Angela

Friday Night

We convinced the Christitute that she didn’t want to go to a club, and that she’d actually much rather hit up every dive bar in the neighbourhood in search of a good time.

The result:

We ended up drinking for free, even though the beer tasted like it had been mixed with red wine – not kidding

Saturday (aka. Pubcrawl Day)

We started drinking at around 10 am, because the pubcrawl started at 12 noon

realize that we need to eat beforehand…and that makeup should probably be applied before heavy drinking commences

11 am: Drinking games and mad preparations for the bar (i.e. purse mickeys)

12 pm: Just pull up to the bar, make sure that the bar isn’t doing bag checks, but make alternate arrangements to drink in the alley beside Hooter’s if bag checks are in order

12:01 pm: It is ascertained that no bag checks are being conducted

2 pm: Finish up at the first bar, the first of three purse mickeys has been consumed in the span of an hour and a half. Discover that we’ve picked the bus with the most boring bus captain ever, Randy, the wonder bitch. Resort to peeing in an alley, to avoid a long line at the bar, nearly pee all over my footwear, and almost go to the wrong bar

3 pm: At the second bar, about halfway through the second purse mickey, start drinking water to avoid puking in a trash can/on the bus

4 pm: Leaving the second bar, elect to take a different bus, find ourselves surrounded by cute boys who enjoy mooning families with small children and other tour buses

5 pm: At the third bar, everything is a bit hazy, but drinks are being bought for us, we’ve peed in an alley once again, and hidden alcohol in that same alley

6 pm: On our way to the fourth, and last, bar with our new friends (Chad, Adam and the rest of their crew) in tow. The Christitute has staked her claim on Chad, and spends the entire bus ride molesting his neck, and coaxing his hand further up her thigh

7 pm: Angela and I realize that we’re famished and head over to McDonald’s for some food, not realizing that there is no re-entry to the bar, we eat like the ravenous drunks that we are. Ah-bby and TC are still at the bar with their respective gentlemen friends

8 pm: I break my no texting rule (which really only applies when I’m sober it seems) and let TC know where we are

8:01 pm: TC writes back, and we try to figure out when/where to meet

8:10 pm: Still no response from TC, Angela and I assume that means she’s hooking up in a back alley behind the bar, turns out, we’re not too far off

8:15 pm: I call TC and she gives me a very vague description about her whereabouts, which turns out to be completely false

8:20 pm: We’re following her directions that she’s directly right of the bar, and suspect that she’s drunk and has no clue where she is, we stop passersby, to ask for proper directions

8:25 pm: We get to the pet store (who takes a makeout partner there anyways?) and they are nowhere to be found

8:27 pm: We call TC again, she tells us that she’s across the street from the McDonald’s at some motel, we envision stained sheets and rooms that rent by the hour

8:30 pm: Wrong directions again, she’s actually at an inn across the way from an A&W, and by at an inn, we mean she’s making out with a guy in the parking lot of said inn, class act all the way!

8:45 pm: After giving them more time alone, we decide it would be funnier (it was) if we took pictures of their liaison, and along the way discover that this inn also has a pool

9 pm: Still chilling on the pool deck, decide to head to the bar next door

10 pm: Leave the bar next door, TC and Chad want more time alone/food at Denny’s. Angela and I head home

10:05 pm: We realize we don’t know TC’s address, or have keys to get into her house, and have to call her

10:10 pm: We finally get in touch with her (we later find out her hands/mouth were occupied, hence the delayed response) and we find out she didn’t go to the Denny’s that was about a $5 cab ride from where we were, but to the one that’s a $30 cab ride away, but I didn’t really care because TC had given me a $20 bill earlier and that paid for most of the fare.

10:30 pm: Show up at Denny’s, order the greasiest sandwich possible, and Chad picks up the tab, after being reamed out by TC on numerous occasions

11:30 pm Ah-bby reappears, claims to have been dancing at the bar the whole time, which we loosely interpret as making out in a bathroom stall for hours

12 am: Ah-bby and Adam hit up the bar in the Radisson, and tell us to come join them when we’re finished eating, the server also comes over and tells TC to refrain from cursing because ‘It’s a family restaurant and there are kids around”, which inspires a flurry of curse words in response

12:30 am: Heading over to The Radisson, we discover what appears to be an abandoned camper van, and Chad gets in and pretends to drive it, when out of nowhere a voice booms from the back of the truck to “Get the fuck out!”, we do as we’re told, laughing so hard that we almost fall over while running.

12:35 am: Chad is accosted by a visibly intoxicated woman who begs him to make out with her, she finally just grabs him and starts working her magic. He pulls away, and we convince the woman to do it again because we want to get it on tape. The moment is recorded for posterity and because its hilarious. The woman also give TC a 3 lb bag of coleslaw, which we still have.

12:40 am: We join Ah-bby and Adam at the Radisson Hotel bar, and hang out in the beer tents until almost last call. TC and Chad sneak off for some more alone time, and his brother plies us with more drinks

1:30 am: TC returns and we all head inside. She and Ah-bby dance the rest of the night away while Angela and I work on our drinks

2 am: Angela and I decide to call it a night, after I tried to convince TC to bring the guys home with us to her Mom’s house.

2:30 am: Arrive home at TC’s Mom’s house to find her mother still awake, and quickly realize that my idea’s aren’t always so brilliant, and silently vow to thank TC for resisting my suggestions

2:31 am: Make up elaborate lie about why TC isn’t with us, who she’s with and when she’s coming home

2:37 am: Feel incredibly guilty for lying to TC’s Mom, but am more overcome by my tiredness and head upstairs, so that I can blog the night’s happenings

2:44 am: Get a call from TC, fill her in on the lies I told her mother. Assure her that we did have a really good time, wash my face, brush my teeth and go to bed.

3:17 am: Finally get to bed after proofing blog post, and settle in, only to realize that some douchebag (Ah-bby TC) left her wet towel on the bed, and now I’m forced to sleep in the wet spot.

3:18 am: Realize that the bed I’m sleeping on tonight is a waterbed. Just a regular bed – I think I just have the spins. Overcome by waves of nausea nonetheless.

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About Nico

I'm not angry all the time, that's just how my face is.

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